“For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.” – 1 Corinthians 2:10-12
“Protect me from the trap they have set for me, and from the snares of evildoers.” – Psalm 141:9
Some of you have reached out to me since my last post to express your concern and support. Thank you so much to all of you who care and are understanding of the journey that I am on. I appreciate you!
It’s hard to believe that it’s nearly half past January. I hope that your year is off to a good start. I know that for some, it isn’t. To you and your family, I extend my deepest and heartfelt sympathies, and to those to whom it applies, I extend my sincerest condolences.
You may be saying that I don’t know your family. You’re right, I don’t know your family. But, I care and only pray and hope for the very best for each of you.
It is only, and has always been, my goal, to uplift, to honor, to encourage, to heal, and to promote and model respect for and of all people.
If anyone has ever felt differently by anything that I have said or done that I am unaware of, then I ask that you forgive me.
It is never my intention to hurt or offend, and I would not do so purposely.
There’s a lot that I don’t know, but what I do know is that the enemy is busy. He doesn’t let up on trying to destroy me and my brothers and sisters in Christ. There’s a spiritual warfare waging against my soul and the souls of those whom I love dearly.
“The wicked watches the righteous, and seeks to slay him. The Lord will not leave him in his hand, nor condemn him when he is judged.” – Psalm 37:32-33
Thankfully, the weapons of our warfare are not carnal or worldly (2 Cor. 10:3-4). While there’s so much that is attempting to crush our very spirits, we can take comfort that the Lord will not forsake His people. And He hasn’t abandoned us, either.
“Will evildoers never understand? They consume My people as they consume bread; they do not call on God.” – Psalm 53:4
The fight is so unrelenting that I feel that it continues even in my sleep. I wake up several times throughout the night with excruciating headaches that last all day. And there are times when I awake with puffy eyes and feeling like I’ve been heavily crying.
But I have no recollection or feeling of ever crying or having done anything while sleeping. It’s like I’m awake, but I’m not. I’m still asleep and have no control over what is happening or what I’m dreaming while I am asleep.
The enemy is crafty. He attacks the mind to try to get to the heart and soul.
My days are often spent in elaborate, fanciful thoughts of what is, what was, and what may be. In some ways it can be viewed as an escape from reality. I think it extends into my dreams at night. It doesn’t help that I was drugged substantially during the violent and vicious assault that I endured. Sometimes I think my brain is fried. I even try not to go to sleep. I don’t know where my hallucinations take me. I’m simply not cognizant or in a rational state of being, at those times.
All I know is that I wake up feeling that the world hates me, and I have no clue why. I know it’s part of the night time hallucinations that I have. One day, the bad stuff, in my sleep, that dreams are made of will end. And I will be able to rest peacefully.
My mental health care professionals, family, and friends are very concerned about the delusions that I experience daily. They are the ones who probably suffer more than I, because they can see the decline in my well being and thought processes more than I can. And it hurts them. That’s the exact opposite of what I ever want to do. I want it to stop.
So to my dear friends and the family, I hope that you can understand and find forgiveness for me in your hearts. I want to make it stop – this severe spiritual attack against me and against God’s beloved family, but I don’t know how.
The enemy wants to pit everyone and everything that I love against me – to rip me apart, and to damage my relationships and those that are dear to me. But, God is in control of His regiment – no matter how it looks.
I’m just trusting in God and His Word to help my mental illness and to make everything alright.
“O Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, our fathers, keep this forever in the intent of the thoughts of the heart of Your people, and fix their heart toward You.” – 1 Chronicles 29:18
I hope that you will trust God and His Word, too. Have you put on the Lord Jesus in baptism? Are you eternally armed for the warfare against the devil?
If not, just believe in Jesus Christ as Lord, repent of your sins, confess His sweet name, and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins. Then, you will be in a saved condition, ready for the battle waged against your soul.
This battle belongs to the Lord. That gives me courage.
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